Ya…

Well I realize that I haven’t posted a real post in like 20 days, I have been lazy when It comes to journal entries. If you look at my archives you can see that I always have these gaps at this time of year. I think that this will be the first year since I started this that I will have at least one normal post each month through out the entire year. It is silly really because this time of year that I should be posting all my random thoughts because it is the time of year that I need a lot of thought organization. Starting about mid November every year I start to look at what I have done in the past year. It is sort of a yearly audit on my self that I perform every year. I have preformed it ever year for as long as I can remember. This is the time of year that I am not much more then a bitchy asshole to all those around me (sorry Miranda) Now combine this year end audit with that bullshit known as Christmas (which for those who know me is on the very top of my hate list, far above talkative movie watchers, and stupid questions) and we have a fool proof recipe for disaster. I am bitchy because it is in this year end audit that I look back at how bloody lazy I was during the year. It is when I look at my accomplishments and realize how they could be totally better. It realizing that I am another year older and another year has gone by with me not accomplishing as much as I wanted to. Every year I am harder and harder on my self because I am one year closer to being the old man that shows the meter reader pictures of my colonoscopy

This year is harder then most because I had a lot of tough goals and as always I came up extremely short in accomplishing most of them. I hate to sound trite or what have you, for I am not a tortured artist or anything, but I had such a great desire to create this last year and I totally failed to harness any of that, in anything that I really think is good. I don’t know maybe I am not cut out to be creative or something but I certainly don’t know where that leaves me, because I have always been incapable of holding a career job or anything. All I have ever had was this stupid desire to create stuff. I have these intense periods of joy and even more intense ones where I am ready to just call it quits and do nothing but sit my fat ass on a second hand couch, and watch TV, eat Potato Chips, and work at my stupid job at a gas station to pay for the couch, full cable and Doritos. I don’t know Maybe I just need to focus more on the things that I want to accomplish. I want to play more guitar, take better pictures, paint something that I am proud of, learn German, finish editing my films, go to see more bands, meet new people, hang out with the people that I already know, write more, finish writing what I have already started, finish my degree, open the photo studio, I want to weld hunks of iron together and make really big and heavy sculptures, the list goes on and on and on…. But most of these things are on my list form last year, and some from the year before, and even more from the year before that. I was thinking about the things that I wanted to do when I was a kid, you know all those dreams and desires that even the most apathetic of us had when we were younger, and I realized that I didn’t have a single dream when I was a kid, I instead had like 50. Someone once told me I could do anything that I wanted to and well I took it very seriously and I have been juggling the dreams ever since. The problem is I f I had one desire that I always had and spent all this energy on that one thing I would have something to show for it. But I don’t, here I am 27 years old and I have fuck all to show for anything that I have done because it sort of seems that I am running in circles when I should be going in a straight line. But as always I will forge ahead and give it all another try, and maybe this year will be the year that I move forward.